Easy New Trick for Full Employment and a Roaring Economy

We can solve all our problems if we just study more. Let me explain.

(I’m taking a course on writing clickbait headlines. How’m I doin?)

The best minds of the age have been grappling unsuccessfully with the central economic mystery of the age: how to keep consumers buying houses, cars and cheap crap from China when they don’t have jobs. The Best Minds tried turning houses into ATM machines; they tried dropping no-limit credit cards from helicopters over urban areas; and of course they tried, over and over again, lowering taxes on billionaires. Nothing seems to have worked.

All along, the solution was right under our noses. As dramatically as America has turned from a nation that made things, into a nation that consumes things, so, just as dramatically, it has turned into a nation that spends unlimited amounts of money researching the answers to stupid questions. If you don’t think it’s a major industry, flourishing right under our noses, consider a sampling — just a small sampling — of the 204,000,000 results I got when I Googled “a new study says:”   

Think about it. Every one of those studies (I have linked to each one to show you that I am not making any of this stuff up) was funded by someone — someone who obviously has money to burn. Unlike the gazillions of dollars given by the central bankers to the other central bankers to accomplish “quantitative easing,” this money actually did create jobs.

Remember those 90 million adults who are missing from the unemployment statistics because although they don’t have jobs, they don’t count as unemployed? All this time we thought the government was pulling a fast one: those people are the ones doing all the studies.

People in lab coats with tape recorders had to fan out across the country asking the stupid questions; clerks had to transcribe the tapes with the stupid answers on them; computer coders had to turn the transcriptions into zeroes and ones, to they could be digitally analyzed, cross-referenced and indexed for interpretation by people with doctoral degrees in stupid questions.

All of these people required the necessities of work: offices, laptops, smartphones, airline tickets, bottled water, gym memberships, yoga classes and fully stocked juice bars. Talk about a full-employment, infrastructure refreshing, tax-generating, overstimulation package for the economy of the 21st Century.

Want a job? Learn to ask stupid questions. Want to manufacture something? Two words: lab coats. Want people to give you money and make you famous? Do a study.

A word of caution, though. Don’t think this bonanza applies to real questions such as what to do about climate change or refugees or gun violence or things like that. You’ll never get funding for that kind of junk. Instead, follow the example of the folks who did a study that just concluded: “Women are genetically programmed to cheat on their mates.” You’ll raise big money, easily. And the research will be fun.

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10 Responses to Easy New Trick for Full Employment and a Roaring Economy

  1. Ken Barrows says:

    Another job creating venture:
    Maybe he’ll also tell us how to understand the jazz.

  2. Mike H says:

    I think you have the click-bate fairly well honed. Great bait line leading to? junk. Like that.

  3. UnhingedBecauseLucid says:

    Ah ! The virtuous self-reinforcing cycle of bullshit manufacturing and distribution; you can’t go wrong with “fake it till’ you make it” can you ?

    After all, GDP is GDP…

  4. Dennis Mitchell says:

    “Clickbate”? Where are scantily clad girls? You say “employment” like it’s a good thing! Better luck next time.

  5. Chris says:

    Hi Tom,

    I reckon your blog titles are very snappy! Keep up the good work. And yes, the whole thing is very crazy and makes little sense.



  6. Oldfart says:

    Alas, lab coats are made in China already. They are ill-fitting and made of a weird cloth-paper hybrid. Water repellent, BO absorbent.

  7. Tom says:

    Enjoyed this one (too) Mr. Lewis. Thanks for the laugh.

  8. Michael Kastre says:

    I loved this. Thanks for the laughs!

  9. SomeoneInAsia says:

    I do recall that when doing my Masters and my Doctorate in philosophy, I was repeatedly told that noble sentiments would get me nowhere, only things like the cogency of my arguments, my knowledge of the relevant literature, etc. While I do concede the value of good scholarship, I do wonder as well if we may not have come to the point where noble sentiments — understanding by these a desire seriously to help the world — have become completely irrelevant in the circles of academia.

    As the above article so distressingly suggests.