[I have graduated from clickbait headline school See the difference?]
If it makes sense to you, after seeing a riot in Charlottesville staged by gun-toting, swastika-wielding, white-hood-wearing psychopaths, to propose as a remedy the removal of pigeon-stained, previously unnoticed statues from town squares across the country — if you think the country will be much better off once all those statues are gone — you might be a Democrat.
If it seems right to you, after seeing the opposition party blow itself up trying to get rid of Obamacare, after seeing the massive eruption of popular support for Bernie Sanders during 2016, after reading the polls that say most of the people in general, even most of the people in Congress, are ready for single payer health care insurance — if your response to all of this is to propose sticking a few band-aids on the sore spots of Obamacare and to resolutely ignore the prospects for single payer — why, then, you must be a Democrat.
If you live in West Virginia and you believed in your heart that the best way to secure the future of your party and your state was to persuade a morally bankrupt billionaire to run for governor, despite his total lack (as pilots describe catastrophe) of airspeed, altitude and ideas, if you persuaded yourself that because he was rich he could not be an idiot — why, you could be either a Democrat or a Republican.
But if you watched in 2016 as the fear and desperation of the sinking majority of Americans who, feeling the American dream slip forever from their fingers, unleashed a raging bull named Trump into the china shop of American privilege politics, if your belated answer to their agony now is to propose a slightly better deal, with a little more health care, perhaps a dose of job training and — wait there’s more! — the removal of any Confederate statues in your town — if that’s what’s ringing your chimes, Bippy, as you look forward to 2018, why, you are for sure a Democrat.
If you believe the Russians, by spending a tiny fraction of the money Jeb Bush spent, and unleashing a few zillion idiotic fake news stories on Facebook, and revealing the private emails of some dude named Podesta of whom we had never heard before, decisively affected the voting in 2016, robbing Hillary of her rightful coronation and handing the crown instead to Trump (who thought it really was a crown) — if you believe that, you most certainly are a Democrat.
If you believe the future belongs to the politicians who beg the most money from the Masters of the Universe, and who then spend it on pricey consultants who know exactly how the last election was lost, who make TV ads accusing their opponents of crimes that once were unspeakable, who propose forward-looking solutions to problems that do not exist, and actions to address real problems that are not actions at all, but are addressed only to the dead-on-arrival letter office (Confederate statues! That’s it!”) — if you are schooled in these techniques and would not think of changing them, why then you must be a Democrat.
If you think that Trump is the problem — that when he’s gone, in a year, or two or three everything will go back to normal and be all right again, the waters will stop rising, the fires burning, the migrants moving, the deserts spreading, the jobs disappearing — then it’s not clear whether you are a Democrat or not, but it really doesn’t matter.