The Trump administration is preparing legislation to repeal and replace Obamacar — their name for the automobile insurance industry, which they say is imploding because of President Obama. “The American people are sick of being forced to buy this hated insurance,” said a Trump spokesman who declined to be identified on the grounds that the President is certifiable and could turn on him at any moment.
“The first thing we’ve got to do,” said the spokes individual, “is get rid of the mandate. It is simply not fair to make everyone buy one-size-fits-all insurance. Or to ask someone whose Mercedes is parked in an air conditioned garage most of the time to pay for the mishaps of someone running around and running into things in a 1989 Honda. In the future we’re only going to sell car insurance to people who don’t have car accidents. Besides, people don’t want to have car insurance, they want access to car insurance, and we’re going to give them lots of choices they can’t afford. Because freedom of choice is what matters.”
In order to stimulate competition in the industry, the proposal bans the term “automobile insurance” and replaces it with “automobile default swaps.” Since it is no longer insurance, there is no further need to regulate the market or the companies in it, and they will be free to do whatever they want. This has always, say the plan’s proponents, been good for America.
Asked what the administration plans to do to protect people damaged by uninsured motorists who in the future may wipe out their cars and their families without recourse, the spokeshuman said, and we quote, “What?”
The plan authorizes the creation of “individual accidental savings accounts.” Poor people will be authorized to set aside up to $50,000 a year in a special account for paying for collision damage. Plus they will be encouraged to do so by not having to pay any federal taxes on the interest earned. “This is a saving of several dollars a month — you get it eventually, when your accountant finally gets your tax refund — and frankly I can’t imagine any poor person not taking full advantage of it.”
Then the spokesthing went on to make an offhand comment that has since become controversial: “Frankly,” it said, “if these people would buy fewer Bentleys and Jaguars and content themselves with Fords and Chevies, it would be better for them and for America.” This is being widely criticized as an ignorant observation, given the popularity of Lincoln Town Cars among the indigent.
The Obamacar Repeal and Replace legislation has several additional provisions that are proving wildly popular among President Trump’s base (which is now estimated to consist of 250 people in a Johnstown, Pennsylvania bowling league):
- cars may no longer be used to transport people to or from abortion clinics.
- car insurance will no longer be offered to LBGTQX drivers. “They have accidents,” said the spokesbeing, “we can’t have that.”
- Under no circumstances will insurance be granted to people who, in the words of the statute, “look Muslim. Or Mexican. Or brown.”
In short, said the spokesdude, “America’s long nation Obamacar nightmare is about to be over, as we set car insurance free, to return to the wild where it belongs.”